I’ve been a fan of zombies for quite some time, so any time I get a chance to partake in some new zombie shenanigans, it’s a good day.
I was at Borders Bookstore today to spend my newly earned $20 in Borders Bucks (along with a 30% off coupon) and after picking up a book about dinosaurs for my daughter and 40 Days and 40 Nights and The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster for me, I was briefly perusing the humor section (it was on the way to the checkout counter) and stumbled across this gem entitled Zombie Haiku.
I paused and stared blankly at the book on the shelf for a good 15 or 20 seconds, stunned. Then, without another thought, I reached down, grabbed the book, and tossed it in my basket without even looking through it.
Oh, it was worth it! It starts out posing as someone’s poetry journal, but there’s a story scribbled in the margins from someone locked in a bathroom in order to avoid the zombies outside, knowing that he will inevitably be devoured, since he had no way to escape. He explains that the journal was being held by a zombie whose arm he had hacked off. The rest of the “poetry journal” shows the haiku of the former owner as he transforms from a puzzled office worker (Why all the car accidents in the morning? Why is nobody at the office? Why is Beth in her car eating spaghetti? Oh my god, that’s not spaghetti!) to minion of the undead.
Here’s a brief sampling…
Beth from accounting
is just sitting in her car
eating spaghetti.I ask her what’s up
but she just eats in her car.
Something’s wrong with Beth.
That escalates to things like…
They surround the car
and are all moaning something.
Is that the word “trains”?!
…and then…
There’s nothing quite like
the pain you feel while dying —
switching to hunger.
…and…
One thing on my mind,
only one thing on my mind.
I’m going to eat you.
…and my favorite so far…
Brains, BRAINS, Brains, brains, BRAINS.
Brains, brains, Brains, BRAINS, Brains, brains, BRAINS.
BRAINS, Brains, brains, BRAINS, brains.
It just keeps going after that with some real gems, depicting the continuing adventure of life as a zombie.
The author ends with a heartfelt haiku thanks to George Romero.
To George Romero:
Because of you, I’m screwed up.
Thanks for your movies
Ah, zombies.