We taste-tested pounds of bacon from the grocery store to find the sizzling winners.

The folks on Rachael Ray’s website have got it made!

The winners?

• Best Oddball: Mountain Products Smokehouse Country Sliced Chipotle
• Best Turkey: Oscar Mayer Turkey Bacon
• Best Thick-cut: Jimmy Dean Thick Slice Premium Bacon
• Best Sweet: Beeler’s Uncured Apple-Cinnamon Bacon
• Best Original: Ozark Trails Hickory Smoked and Peppered Bacon

I’m a big fan of thick-cut bacon, but I’d be more than willing to try the others, though turkey bacon holds a lesser appeal. It’s not real bacon. As we all know, real bacon comes from magical pigs.

Hint: All pigs are magical.

It’s from a book called This is Why You’re Fat… which somehow seems appropriate.

(via Pharyngula)

Think I’m kidding? I don’t kid when it comes to bacon.

I present… with all due glorious fanfare… Chicken Fried Bacon …with gravy!

Yes. You read that right.

This is bacon, covered in seasoned flour, dredged in an egg wash (which includes cream), rolled in crackers… and fried. Then it’s dipped in a gravy that’s made with butter, cream, and chicken broth (and some spices). So let’s see… that’s bacon, egg, cream, butter, more cream, and chicken broth. Oh… and fried in oil.

I’m having a cholesterol-gasm just thinking about it (that’s a good thing, in case you’re wondering).

Now I know.

Behold, the bacon lance… a torch made of bacon that burns so hot it can cut through a steel pan. Yes, you read that correctly. It’s a cutting torch… made of bacon.

Ummm… wow. You can watch the video below (or at the link above) of the bacon lance’s construction.

My favorite quote: “It turns out that ordinary American bacon does not have the structural integrity that’s necessary for this applicaiton so I’m using an engineering grade of bacon which is known as prosciutto.”

“Engineering grade”… R0XX0R!

Sadly, at the end of the article, there’s a warning which says, “Theodore Gray is trained in lab safety. Don’t try this at home.”

So much for my weekend plans.

I glanced into one of the fastnacht bags to pick out a bit of doughy, sugary goodness and saw, much to my chagrin, a knife and a third of a fastnacht next to the whole ones. Someone had actually gone to the trouble of cutting a fastnacht into three pieces. Count ‘em! Three!

It’s outrageous!

Donuts (and fastnachts by relation) are whole entities. They should not be torn, cut, bent, broken, poked, or sliced by any utensil other than human teeth (pet treats notwithstanding). If you can eat half a donut, you can eat a whole donut and it really won’t make that much of a difference to your diet. If, for some unearthly reason, you feel that you cannot somehow manage to scarf down an entire entity of glazed or sugary or iced or jelly-filled goodness, you should simply refrain from partaking at all… or eat what you can and dispose of the remainder.

Donuts are art. Splitting up a donut is therefore destruction of art and should not be tolerated. It’s as close as you can come to blasphemy without getting all biblical! Eat it or don’t! I think I’ll make a bumper sticker out of that.

Next thing you know, people are going to start suggesting that we make fake bacon out of turkey.

What’s the world coming to!?

(Thanks to Infidelicacy for bringing this to my attention)

A Great Start!

Bacon makes everything better… except cholesterol and blood pressure. Overlooking that (negligible) downside for the time being, what do you get when you mix 2 pounds of thick-cut bacon, 2 pounds of Italian sausage, and some barbecue sauce? You get the Bacon Explosion… bacon and sausage wrapped up and barbecued for an artery-clogging feast fit for a 500-pound king.

Now just serve this other recipe as a side dish, season it all with a few shakes of Lipitor, and you’ve got yourself a party!

When it comes right down to it, you can’t beat the pig for providing humanity with the largest variety of indisputably succulent meat. I mean, seriously.

And bacon is, of course, the supreme meat.

w00t!